Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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