there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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