call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Randomize
