i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
