when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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