he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
