You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
