Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
