She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
