wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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