he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
