I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
