What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
