You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
