I'm lost and stupid without you.
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
