before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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