If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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