why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
