DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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