I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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