I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Never joke about your clitoris.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
