i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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