no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
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