A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
