Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
