Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
