She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
