I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
