I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize