if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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