I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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