Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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