my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
