His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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