This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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