i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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