sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize