god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
