now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
