I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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