so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
