i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize