I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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