Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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