Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
