i need an iv and a liver transplant
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
