don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
