If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
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