So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
