When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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