There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize