I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
3pm strippers are depressing
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
