I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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