i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
