you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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