"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I deserve this hangover.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
