First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
