I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Randomize
