We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My balls are so social today.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize