I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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