When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize