Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Randomize
