I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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