I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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