i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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