sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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